Not exactly the ‘break’ I had planned … I was hoping for this …
In a nutshell (no pun intended) I leaned over the front of the sofa to retrieve some almonds I’d dropped, overbalanced and landed heavily on my left arm. A sickening crack reverberated through my body … there was little doubt, I’d broken something.
Bullet points, as everyone likes a bullet point …
- Needed to dress.
- Asked Mr JH for assistance doing up the bra.
- Thanked him when he’d finally managed this feat but pointed out boobs were supposed to be in the cups.
- Shouted when he decided the best way to achieve the above was to try to tug the fastened bra down over aforementioned boobs.
- Drove to hospital hoping we were too early for the inebriated people who had ‘punched a wall’.
- Queue didn’t quite extend to door but due to an IT problem, everything was taking much longer than usual.
- Waited with all the other casualties to be triaged; found some nice folk to chat to.
- Various clinicians appeared to advise unless of dire need, we would all be better served going home and ringing our GP surgery in the morning (Sunday)
- Wait would be three … or four hours …
- Same thought occurred to all of us – I hope you all leave because then I’m next!
- Waited to see who blinked first.
- I was betting on the suspected broken toe but Mr JH had his money on the bruised leg.
- Both wrong, the first was the indeterminate ‘not feeling too good’.
- Wasn’t actually a stampede but certainly a steady trickle followed.
- Next in queue!
- X-ray followed triage and ulna spiral fracture was confirmed.
- Saw lovely registrar who spent a good ten minutes removing rings from the swollen digits of my left hand.
- Had to resort to lubricant usually reserved for urethral catheters …
- Off for plastering.
- Eight sheets of plaster to form a back-slab; very heavy.
- Could easily knock someone out with a single swing (fantasising about whom I’d choose).
- Decided to go ahead with family party arranged for following day as had vast quantities of food prepared.
- Announced confidently to everyone at party it would just be a matter of conservative management; a few weeks in plaster at most.
- Visit to fracture clinic; contemplating colour of sleeve I would select.
- Saw X-ray for the first time. Ah … maybe not so straightforward after all.
- Offered surgery on Friday to reduce fracture and insert plate and screws.
- Panicked for following two days.
- Arrived at hospital and had nerve block administered by kind anaesthetist.
- Suspect I then became a tad confused by the drug administered via cannula to lower my heart rate from blind panic mode.
- Worried my heart rate was still 99; then realised I was looking at my oxygen sats.
- Surgeon lifted my arm in theatre; I immediately announced it wasn’t mine.
- Surgery uneventful.
- Told to hold my numb arm post-op so I could be wheeled to recovery.
- Accepted at this point arm was mine as it appeared to be attached at the shoulder.
- Dropped it; amazing how heavy arms are.
- Home now for recovery.
- Told no left-hand keyboard activities for five weeks … five weeks!
- So here I am, an administrator who can’t administrate and frustrated writer who can only get words from brain to keyboard with one hand.
- Never mind, no-one ever said being a writer was easy but I assumed the problem would be lack of ideas.
- Newfound respect for anyone permanently without the use of a limb.
- Mental note to henceforth empathise with elderly ladies leaving the lavatories with clothing tucked in their knickers.
NB: Mr JH is now available for sling application, hair-styling (combing/ponytails) and nail varnish removal.