I’m delighted to be able to offer ‘C’ the opportunity to use my blog again for some more extracts from her summer diary. Just realised how terribly insensitive it is to tell someone they’re ‘lucky’ that they don’t gain pounds.
18 May 2016 – Off to see the Psychiatrist
Well I’ve managed to dodge another bullet and been kept out of hospital for another week. My weight has gone slightly up, but I’m still not eating properly, so it’s slow going and a long time to eat. My blood test was okay but something in my liver is high but it’s been higher before, so I have to go back again next week for another weigh at exactly the same time on the same scales.
It’s a question that’s always asked when you go to the doctors or specialist with a problem. it’s always ‘when did it start or ‘how long have you had it?’ that’s not too bad if it’s just a few days but when you have to go back in time to when my eating started getting worse, I can’t pinpoint it. It’s like we all need computer memory chips in our head to recall every detail of every day of our life. My brain doesn’t work like that. My music teacher at school once gave the best report I ever got. She said I was erratic. Probably the most accurate description of me ever.
I have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist today. Why am I seeing a psychiatrist you ask? (or maybe not). Well it’s because on my second trip to the hospital for rehydration, I had a video fluoroscopy; basically it just x-rayed my swallowing from the side and the result was that there was nothing wrong with my swallow so then it was decided that it was all psychological. The won’t know really for sure till I have an ENT appointment.
31 May 2016 – Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing isn’t an easy word to write or say, but it’s definitely easy for me to do all the time for example. I have had poor circulation in the last few weeks causing my left foot to look a little bluer than my right. What is my first reaction? I’m going to have my left foot amputated. Is that normal I ask? I’m sure most people would just ignore it and go on with their lives or shake the foot to get the circulation back , but not me. I’m looking it up on medical websites and books I have acquired over the years. If I have a little pain in my stomach it’s probably trapped wind but I visualise the ambulance at the front door waiting to take me to the hospital to have my appendix taken out.
As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m not good with medical stuff.
I had a good session with my counsellor this morning and he told me to mix things up a bit change my routine to get back my control over my life instead of the routine controlling me. It doesn’t have to be anything big; something as small as brushing your teeth in a different order can change things up a bit so that you don’t become a slave to the routine.
I shall give it a try. If you give it a try let me know if it made any difference to your thinking?
7 June 2016 – Seeing the Doctor
Just saw the doctor for a weigh and was a little underwhelmed by his reaction. I thought he’d be chuffed that I am now over the 6 stone barrier but he just said ‘maintaining weight’ and he wants to see me get to 7 stone; I could have done with a little more encouragement anyway, onwards and upwards (or should I say outwards).
I tried my meditation with the cone of healing light this morning and I did feel more relaxed and a little healthier. I think I drank a bit more too but still not drinking properly.
30 August 2016 – Changing Habits
You may be wondering why I have not commentated on my swallowing progress for a while, since I said I would try and swallow more quickly. The reason for this is that unless the change is very miniscule, I have hardly noticed any. I just saw my counsellor this morning and he told me to think BIG. I am a dramatic dancer and I was asked to visualise how I would dance the way I feel now. which was all closed up and shrivelled and holding various parts of my body that ache or don’t work so well. Then I was asked to visualise myself doing it without the constraints. This change in thinking brings Hope. Last time I saw him I had an affirmation to say to myself that I’m Kind, Caring and Honest. Now, I am to change the Kind to Hopeful.
It’s quite a nice day again today, so I’ve just been out the back garden doing my 18 Shibashi Tai Chi exercises; but it was very hot on my forehead so I’m a bit giddy now. My counsellor told me to see all the different colour greens there are. It’s a bit hard with the sun in your eyes, but there are millions. Therefore there are millions of possibilities for change, if we open ourselves to the possibilities.
I’ve been challenged by my counsellor to change things again to get out of my rut. I changed my brush cleaning routine and it did have a slight freeing experience on me. So I am to think outside the box; challenge negative thinking and replace it with positive. Sounds familiar, so I’m still not doing it correctly. Just need a lot more practice.
Fold your arms. Now fold them the other way. It’s not immediately easy is it? That’s what changing our habits are like. Needs thought and practice
Bye for now!
We will hear from ‘C’ again soon.